It’s hard for a lot of us women today.  Particularly the good women.  The ones that didn’t learn “game,” the ones that were just raised to be honest; get your education; take care of yourself; be good and do good.  I was raised that way by my mother.  Nothing appeared to be more important in my household than education and the arts.  I woke up to music and went to bed with it, particularly being raised by a DJ father and jazz musician stepfather.  The focus was always my musical talents and education and I very rarely recall talking about men and boys.  So, I had no game and didn’t realize something could be wrong with me until I moved to Atlanta.  My mother was a professional.  Both of my parents financially stable.  So, this mentality of gold digger, was a very foreign concept to me.  Interesting how when I danced for a group EPMD who had a huge hit at the time “Gold Digger,” I assumed the record simply pertained to groupies.  I had no idea there were women, regular everyday women, who had a HELP ME mentality instead of the Godly HELP MEET mentality.  While I spent my entire life around celebrities, it never dawned on me that I was supposed to be picking up a trade in gold digging.  And I’ve watched women from afar.  ‘Is she going to ask him to pay her car note?’   And low and behold.  He did!  But because I am a born again Christian and celibate, I have very little power.  Love isn't enough.  Men it appears pay the bills when you are having sex with them.  But me, well, my praying for the man I love, just doesn’t seem to be enough.  I’m not an investment. Men invest in bitches, I read once.  And so therefore, I've got problems.

I’ve wondered throughout the years, if I had been a gold digger, would I have been more respected, more appreciated, more loved by my brothers.  My best friend actually purchased a book for me entitled "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov.  I started to read it.  But I also started to cry while reading because I wondered, if I had been some kind of idiot.  “Where did I go wrong!”  “What did I miss!” And when I asked my mother, she laughed and brushed me off with, “Silly! Why would you want to be a gold digger.”  I snapped back, “Because Mom!  These women get the respect! Men are turned on by being asked for money!  They like it!”  And of course my mother asserted, “Oh Portia.  That’s silly.”

At 41, it appears I missed the boat.  I’ll never learn the science of gold digging.  God didn’t create me that way.  While I am very street savvy (most of us from Paterson, NJ are), I am incredibly naïve to gold digging.  God had something different in mind for me.  I am a b-girl born again Christian who loves hip hop, break beats, salsa, music, dancing, God, and my kid.  I know I’m different.  And it hasn’t been easy, but I believe I am a lot closer to what God intended for his daughters to be than the Basketball Wives are.  It is very disheartening when our brothers choose the gold digger.  It’s hurtful when the everyday, hard working, God fearing woman, gets pushed to the side, for a stripper and a gold digger.  Money and sex, it appears, always win and I look forward to the day when it won’t.

For those of us women who aren’t the gold diggers, who simply love because we love you, are in desperate need for respect. Some of us don’t care about a Benz or a Rolex. Honestly, I really don’t know the difference (I CAN HEAR MY BEST FRIEND TELLING ME TO SHUT UP; I'M SHARING TOO MUCH).  But I guess, my mother showed me how to have class without the Gucci bag.  Classy was character.  Classy was being a lady.  Classy was education.  Classy was not attached to material things.  Our grandmothers were the granddaughters of SLAVES.  When they went to church, they always wore a hat and gloves. They were the epitome of class. And the women today have lost that.  Gold digging and walking outside with a bra on, shows insecurity.  Surely sex wins in the natural. I know I can’t compete with every woman with a g-string in the world.   But that’s not where God resides. God is what makes me radiate.  God is what makes me beautiful.   Beauty stems from God, not things.

When I surrendered my life to Christ, I asked for a makeover.  And he has.  There are lots of beautiful women in the world, but the women who are beautiful according to God’s standards, their light will never dim.  That is the beautiful my brother’s should seek.  Not a woman who wears a ruby, but a woman who is one.


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10

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I realized not so long ago, that part of my brokenness throughout the years was being a helper to a man who I was not divinely meant to help.  Women take it personal too.  And it’s unfortunate because it has nothing to do with you.  We were created to give; to help.  If you are in God’s will, like myself, you desire to help; to take care of the man you love or care about.  Some women appear to have more of a “well who’s going to take care of me attitude?”  And I get it.  We have needs too.  But a woman of God, silently exudes support.  We’re not walking in the “Spirit of I” because we know if we’re in God’s will, everything we need will be taken care of.  We love doing for our men and our families.  That’s who a woman of God is-first.

In Genesis 2:18, we learn that woman is meant to be a help meet to man because according to God, “it is not good for man to be alone.”  With that said, in order for man to walk in purpose, to be able to walk into his promise land and see his dreams come true, at some point, unless you are blessed with the gift of singleness, you are called to find a help meet. And I’ve always found it interesting how men run from commitment, because many times, they’re running from their dreams and their purpose. They try to reach their goals with many chicks, like Solomon, but that was his downfall and can be for lots of my brothers out here.  Satan will throw women in a man's face to deter him from his purpose when all awhile there is that one woman that holds the key to their future and dreams!  But go on ahead, keep running.  At some point, men of God have to do it God’s way.

In any case, sometime ago a good friend of mine in ministry called me and said he was doing a blog on, “are you a helper or a hindrance?”  And we talked about how today’s woman is HELP ME HELP ME, instead of being a help meet.  Well, I knew that wasn’t my issue.  In fact, I am the opposite.   When I love you, I will have your back over and over again.  The problem is, when you see yourself HELPING HELPING and HELPING and you don’t see that help being received or appreciated.  And there lies the problem.  Giving and helping is not the problem.  Women who help aren’t the problem.  WE’RE THE BLESSING!  But helping men who God hasn’t selected for us is and you’ll walk away hurt and empty handed each and every time.

And so, maybe you’re not a hindrance, but maybe you’re helping the wrong man.  The man for you will receive you.  A man in tune with God will see your help as a blessing; not a threat because he knows, “he who finds a wife finds favor!” So, here is a key as to if you are helping the man God has for you-The man who you are assigned to; the man you are meant to love; to bless; to pray for; to spread your favor on them, won’t reject your help.  But a man God selects for you; will receive your help; honor it; respect it; and praise God for it because you’re a Proverbs 31 woman, a ruby, wisdom, a rare gem, and only a man selected for you by God can recognize it.

For more on woman being a helper visit, http://thekingdomproclamation.blogspot.com/2012/06/women-are-you-helper-for-man-god.html .

Genesis 2:18  Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”