It’s hard for a lot of us women today.  Particularly the good women.  The ones that didn’t learn “game,” the ones that were just raised to be honest; get your education; take care of yourself; be good and do good.  I was raised that way by my mother.  Nothing appeared to be more important in my household than education and the arts.  I woke up to music and went to bed with it, particularly being raised by a DJ father and jazz musician stepfather.  The focus was always my musical talents and education and I very rarely recall talking about men and boys.  So, I had no game and didn’t realize something could be wrong with me until I moved to Atlanta.  My mother was a professional.  Both of my parents financially stable.  So, this mentality of gold digger, was a very foreign concept to me.  Interesting how when I danced for a group EPMD who had a huge hit at the time “Gold Digger,” I assumed the record simply pertained to groupies.  I had no idea there were women, regular everyday women, who had a HELP ME mentality instead of the Godly HELP MEET mentality.  While I spent my entire life around celebrities, it never dawned on me that I was supposed to be picking up a trade in gold digging.  And I’ve watched women from afar.  ‘Is she going to ask him to pay her car note?’   And low and behold.  He did!  But because I am a born again Christian and celibate, I have very little power.  Love isn't enough.  Men it appears pay the bills when you are having sex with them.  But me, well, my praying for the man I love, just doesn’t seem to be enough.  I’m not an investment. Men invest in bitches, I read once.  And so therefore, I've got problems.

I’ve wondered throughout the years, if I had been a gold digger, would I have been more respected, more appreciated, more loved by my brothers.  My best friend actually purchased a book for me entitled "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov.  I started to read it.  But I also started to cry while reading because I wondered, if I had been some kind of idiot.  “Where did I go wrong!”  “What did I miss!” And when I asked my mother, she laughed and brushed me off with, “Silly! Why would you want to be a gold digger.”  I snapped back, “Because Mom!  These women get the respect! Men are turned on by being asked for money!  They like it!”  And of course my mother asserted, “Oh Portia.  That’s silly.”

At 41, it appears I missed the boat.  I’ll never learn the science of gold digging.  God didn’t create me that way.  While I am very street savvy (most of us from Paterson, NJ are), I am incredibly naïve to gold digging.  God had something different in mind for me.  I am a b-girl born again Christian who loves hip hop, break beats, salsa, music, dancing, God, and my kid.  I know I’m different.  And it hasn’t been easy, but I believe I am a lot closer to what God intended for his daughters to be than the Basketball Wives are.  It is very disheartening when our brothers choose the gold digger.  It’s hurtful when the everyday, hard working, God fearing woman, gets pushed to the side, for a stripper and a gold digger.  Money and sex, it appears, always win and I look forward to the day when it won’t.

For those of us women who aren’t the gold diggers, who simply love because we love you, are in desperate need for respect. Some of us don’t care about a Benz or a Rolex. Honestly, I really don’t know the difference (I CAN HEAR MY BEST FRIEND TELLING ME TO SHUT UP; I'M SHARING TOO MUCH).  But I guess, my mother showed me how to have class without the Gucci bag.  Classy was character.  Classy was being a lady.  Classy was education.  Classy was not attached to material things.  Our grandmothers were the granddaughters of SLAVES.  When they went to church, they always wore a hat and gloves. They were the epitome of class. And the women today have lost that.  Gold digging and walking outside with a bra on, shows insecurity.  Surely sex wins in the natural. I know I can’t compete with every woman with a g-string in the world.   But that’s not where God resides. God is what makes me radiate.  God is what makes me beautiful.   Beauty stems from God, not things.

When I surrendered my life to Christ, I asked for a makeover.  And he has.  There are lots of beautiful women in the world, but the women who are beautiful according to God’s standards, their light will never dim.  That is the beautiful my brother’s should seek.  Not a woman who wears a ruby, but a woman who is one.


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10

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Sometimes I want to give up on God. I haven’t, but I have to admit, I want to give up on God more often than I should.  I find myself saying “you’re not being fair God.  Why are you doing this to me?  I have done everything you asked for, and you still hide your face from me.”  Nothing is more annoying to me than the Christian who never falls.  Who never questions God.  Who has not been broken.  I have found that my true intimacy with Christ has been in just keeping it real.  In fact, I think the reason why God uses me is because I don’t do all of the fluff.  I know there’s no growth in fluff.  So, I don’t hold back.  I get angry.  I cry.  I praise God, but I also tell him, THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.  And because God and I are family, I just tell him straight up.  I think he appreciates the honesty...even when pride is an ugly thing.

Some of you might be servants trying to figure out, “I’m anointed and I’m just not getting the results I’m looking for.  What am I doing wrong?”  Well, here it is.  Your mindset is probably the biggest problem. Religion messes you up pretty bad because we’re told if we do the right thing, we will be blessed.  That’s inaccurate.  You are saved by grace and not good works.  Good people according to the world can go to hell, but really messed up people saved by God’s grace will be in eternity.  No one on this earth is “good” enough for all God has given us and wants to give us.  We’re all jacked up.  Sinners.  Filth.  And so, part of surrendering to God is getting over yourself.  Your works will never be good enough.  Only Jesus can hold that title.  God’s grace saved you.  Bottom line is, you’re just not that dope without God that is. 

And so, after many years of doing religion, it’s taken me quite some time to know God.  And it might be taking you awhile too because you know God via religion, but not God directly.  It is often very difficult for me to trust God and to believe his love for me because when I don’t get my way, I hate to admit it, I think God is wrong.  That’s right.  Wrong.  I do all of the RIGHT things.  I am GOOD according to the world.  And I feel like I should be in VIP.  You know, get rewarded for working overtime.  Brownie points.  And sometimes I don’t appear to be anymore blessed than the unsaved pimp.  In fact, he looks happier.  How many times have you checked out the unsaved and they appear way happier than you?  But in time, we learn appearances lie.  Satan deceives through appearances.

Many times we get hurt by religion and not God because we are told by certain theology loving God is smooth sailing. Well, it’s not.  In fact, sometimes I feel myself in a spiritual war.  The more I bless others, the more I feel under attack at times.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  Being a Christian is the best decision you will ever make.  You will experience a peace and a joy that can’t be bought anywhere.  There is nothing like knowing you’re in God’s will and knowing you are EXACTLY where God wants you to be.  There is nothing like knowing why you’re breathing.  Some people don’t know where they’re going.  When I die, I know 100% where I will be.  And that, my friends, is a gift. 

Moving forward, just know, loving God is not a piece of cake.  Loving him is like loving anyone else in the sense that it takes time.  God is not I dream of genie; nor will he provide an explanation for life’s pains.  Sometimes “we will understand it better by and by” as the gospel hymn rings, but sometimes we won’t.  Religion comforts in the sense that it makes you think you can control God by being good.  But that’s a lie.  God is holy.  Omnipotent.  And we have to accept that God loves us whether we get our way or not; whether we hurt or not.  God is not our puppet.  And as the Word says, THERE WILL BE TROUBLE.  While prayer works, sometimes your prayers won’t be answered how you hoped and you being GOOD won’t change that.  Why? Because WE are God’s servants, and not the other way around.   WE were created for HIM and not the other way around.  And sometimes, God will not always make sense, but he promises that everything we do will work out for OUR good and His glory.  And that, I am learning, just has to be enough.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.