Someone posted on my Facebook that it’s important that people see all sides of me. And I agree. You can never grow and inspire people without letting them see all of you. And while I do believe in privacy, I know what God wants me to share so that others can be encouraged, inspired and grow. Religion doesn’t do that. But in order to spread God’s love, transparency is needed – NOT PERFECTION.
I have always been pretty open about my celibacy and my relationships. I believe in celibacy. I believe in waiting until you’re married to have sex. However, I believe that since the fall of Adam and Eve, many of us struggle with walking in the Spirit and being what God purposed for us. My ONLY regret in life is not waiting for my husband to have sex. If I could change anything about my life, I probably would be a virgin again. And this is why when I divorced in 2005, I decided to try out celibacy.
The journey has been tough, but not as bad as one might think. I don’t miss sex. I mean, on occasion I want it. Ok, I want it a few times a week. BUT what I miss is having a lover and being one. I miss lovemaking. Sex is so empty to me. It offers nothing. And really, God can’t be a part of sex unless it is holy. So, yes, I want sex a few times a week, but when I think of the many men I can call for sex, and being thrown to the curb after they’ve met their challenge, I lose the desire. In addition, I know I will walk away empty unless a man LOVES me. I was created by God in love; to spread love; and to receive it. And I have been celibate because I don’t WANT sex. I want God’s best for me which is love; equally yoked; purposed. Anything short of that is kind of whack to me.
I expressed this to a friend of mine when he came back into my life November of 2011. We’ve known each other 20 years and saw each other like brother and sister. I explained my celibacy. I explained that I was waiting for my husband. I felt that this man was someone I could trust to love me and was comfortable with. Better yet, he appeared to be in a RELATIONSHIP with God. This led me to letting down my guard and my celibacy recently being broken. And while it was good, I am now empty.
I have repented for my intimacy, I have been quiet because I am struggling to understand God right now. I have done things RIGHT. I have worshipped. Prayed daily. Repented. Read the Word. Lived it. Walked in the Spirit. Tithed 100%. Fed the poor. Remained sexually frustrated. Inspired. Been laughed at and ridiculed for loving God and standing for him. I have done it all RIGHT. And then I remembered, that’s the problem. I will never be all RIGHT.
So, where do I stand? Loving God no matter what. Seeking him. Worshiping. Chasing after God. Proverbs 24:16 says: "The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again." I will continue to aim for obedience, but honestly I have learned that no matter how anointed you are, or obedient, you are still FLAWED. I love God, but I sure did enjoy having sex. I know that sounds bad, but it’s honest. What’s also honest is, I regret it. God didn’t send me a husband as I thought. The man I shared myself with never offered anything but sex. He doesn’t really care about me as I thought. In fact, he was pretty lame in picking a fight with me just so that he could cut me off. He’s probably never prayed for me and he's been a bit unkind. All the signs showed he really didn’t care about me and I chose not to pay attention. But I am ACCOUNTABLE, I am an IDIOT and I accept full responsibility. In fact, he told me he loved me a few times, but didn’t show it. I can only blame myself for that. You can be anointed people and stupid. I am one of them.
For this reason, I do believe in celibacy and I think much of the world suffers because of fornication and adultery. Soul ties damage the soul and I do believe in one man and one woman. My hope for my daughter is that she will WAIT!!! Wait on God. When you wait on him, YOU CAN’T FAIL. When you’re a virgin, you don’t know what you’re missing because you haven’t had it. Like drugs, JUST SAY NO. If you don’t, you’ll spend a lifetime chasing something that doesn't belong to you.
Moving forward, I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know God will love me through it. I had even considered giving up The PKFaith Show because I thought ‘how can I inspire and encourage when I am sinning?’ But maybe that’s what the world needs to see that God loves me even though I failed him. God isn’t anal. And if my transparency can bless someone and introduce them to Christ, then my journey and life is worth living.
There is no doubt in my mind that today, in spite of my sin, that I am still God’s absolute favorite. And so are you. p
<< Romans 7:15 >>
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
I’ve been to heaven. Unlike most of the other stories I’ve heard, mine is not as elaborate, but I have left earth for a few where I was met by angels in 1991. I never shared this story with anyone other than close friends because who would ever believe that I experienced heaven. Plus, again, I couldn’t write a book about it. It was short. Sweet. It was Heaven.
I was born to Sheila and William Kirkland on December 9, 1970 in Paterson, NJ. Both of my parents divorced and I was blessed with two amazing stepparents. One of those parents, Carter Jefferson Jr., was an iconic Jazz saxophonist who played for The Temptations, The Supremes, Little Richard and more. In fact, you might recall that R&B hit "You Are My Starship". But he is known as a Jazz icon. And so, I was raised by two legends really. My father BK, a radio legend, known for exposing Hip Hop to NY’s radio airwaves, via Mr. Magic and Marley Marl. And Carter, my stepfather, where my life sounded like an orchestra and surrounded with Jazz geniuses who never received the respect they deserved, the talented late Phyllis Hyman being one of them.
During one conversation with my stepfather, in approximately 1977 when I was seven years old, I learned something fascina- ting. I was in trouble for my mouth and talking back. Our conversation went as follows as I sat on my parent’s bed –
Carter –What are you going to do when you stand before God?
Me – Tell God how good I am.
Carter – That’s not going to work.
Carter – Because God sees everything you do.
I was startled and a light bulb went off. He went on to tell me God was all around me. From that moment on, my relationship with Christ began. I felt God’s eyes on me. We then became friends and he followed me everywhere. I began talking to God, real conversation, and we were more like play mates when I was a child. I read the bible, but more importantly, we spoke to each other about everything. A neighbor brought me to Mount Zion Missionary Baptist Church, where I immediately knew God was there and I was home. Months later, after the nudging from a friend named Janet, I walked to the front of the altar and told Rev. Napier, I wanted to get baptized. Alone. I understood, my calling early. I attended church alone Sunday after
Sunday pretty much my entire life.
For whatever reason, I chose sin. I knew God, personally, but like many Christians, sin seemed more fun, especially for a teen. While I was always different and pretty much a “good” kid according to worldly standards, I chose what I wanted to follow about Christ. And in 1991, undeservingly, I was brought to heaven.
It’s comforting to me when I hear stories about people who have been to heaven. It lets me know that I’m not alone, especially the stories where people didn’t die such as the encounter in the book “Heaven is For Real.” I didn’t die. I did not ask
to go to heaven. I might have read the Word before going to sleep, and I might have not. That part, I cannot remember. I do not recall feeling sick. I didn’t ask for anything. But somehow I wound up in heaven.
Oddly enough, I was transitioned to heaven as I was sitting in my chair at home. Somehow, I went from a bed, to my green chair. As I sat in the chair, I was raised. Flying. I was flying in a very bright light. So bright, that I imagine if we looked with a human eye it would hurt. Similar, to looking into a light bulb. Extreme light. I then, was in the presence of Angels. There were quite a few and they were very happy. Extremely happy and the joy in heaven cannot be explained on this earth. I’ve tried and I can’t. The angels knew me and they were so happy to see me. And I was just happy period. Extremely. We danced, with joined “hands” (not hands, but I was holding something), going around and around in a circle. The angels I was with did not have
bodies. Yes, they were white, with wings, but I did not see faces. And while they had a form and were touchable, I could if I wanted to it appeared, put my hand right through them if I tried. Another thing that was clear, I was in WORSHIP. I could not stop praising God. I could only continue saying, “Praise God! Praise God! Praise God.” They said nothing, but danced and enjoyed me as I praised God over and over again. We flew around and I was in pure Worship and felt pure Joy and pure love.
I do not remember my actual body, but I recall when I was brought back to the chair, I saw my body and I continued to Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! My hand movements looked like I was doing the wave at a football game and I couldn’t stop worshipping. I BEGGED not to come back to earth. “No!! No!!” I said as I was descending back to earth. Not sobbing, but teary eyed. Very sad and I wasn’t even given the option. I had no desire to come back here to earth. And while in heaven, I also had no clue about earth. Not my relatives. Nothing. I just wanted to stay in heaven and praise God. I never saw Jesus. Not God. I just hung out with a few angels that loved me a lot and was in God’s precence. And we worshiped in bright light. They are very happy up there. Words can’t explain. If you have any relatives up there, trust me, they are ELATED. The way we love here is really nothing. Love there is unexplainable.
When I realized that I had been to heaven, I shared with my mother, hesitantly because while my mother was a Christian, she
didn’t really attend church. But the joy in my heart, had me elated and I said to my mother, “I’m not afraid to die! I went to heaven! I explained.” My mother was in shock and asked that I stop because it was too much. I know she remembers, but I never brought it up again, because well, it was unbelievable and just that good.
My stepfather and I didn’t always get along. Like Bobbi Kristina (Whitney Houston's daughter), my stepfather did drugs and was an alcoholic. While he was loving to me, taught me all I needed to know about music and my relationship with God, like Bobbi I loved a parent who got high and no matter how many times he went to rehab; no matter how many people praised him for his art; he struggled. After years of wear and tear on the body, my stepfather while on tour in Poland, his stomach erupted on stage. On my birthday a few days later, he went to that place I visited called heaven. He was 47 years old. Due to them not embalming him in Poland, I never had the chance to see him again and we received his body back 25 days later where we had his friends, the industry and family celebrate his life with one more concert. Today, it still hurts.
I cannot explain the depth of the pain of not only losing a parent tragically, without warning, but what it’s like to love a parent who is an addict. It’s very complex, but I can say it is possible for that addict to be a good parent and to be loving. Carter was and while he wasn’t perfect, he taught me love and to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, which is why I am sure I had the opportunity to see heaven because of relationship.
I know from visiting heaven, God is not anal. God is quite simple. And all he asks all of us down here is that we humble ourselves and master LOVE. We are so fixated on sin, ugliness, righteousness, that we’re missing God. God doesn't focus on your sin as much as you think he does, that’s why he sent his son. But what he does care about is how big your heart is and that you love like a child loves. He wants you to love BIG and sometimes sin stops you from loving they way we're supposed to. That’s where sin becomes sticky. But I will say never allow the guilt of sin to keep you from having a relationship with Christ. Repent. Do better the next time. Go and love on somebody. And keep it moving.
I decided to share my story on heaven because when I went to heaven I was a sinner. A good one and still can say the same today. In fact, I wasn’t brought back to being in God’s presence until over 15 years later. So, if you don't get anything from my story today, know that Love is your calling, just as it is mine. Master love and don’t give up until you get there. In fact, Carter's last words, I learned years later, was THINK POSITIVE.
"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord
thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul,
and with all thy mind. This is the first and great
commandment." (Matthew 22:37-38 KJV)
"And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang
all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:39-40 KJV)
Check out some of Carter's work below.