Today, I cried.  I cried out.  I BELIEVE O LORD, I BELIEVE…but HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF.  Today, I probably believe more out of obligation, out of habit, out of tradition, out of guilt.  So, I need Help. HELP ME, O GOD….Help Me, if you can, help me in my unbelief.

God and I have been in a relationship since I was about seven years old.  He started out as an imaginary friend, and as the relationship grew, I understood he was my Father in Heaven.  Still, because I understood at some point that he loved me, like any “daddy’s girl,” I expected him to give me everything I wanted.  I thought God’s job was to make me happy.  Not to prosper.  Not to look more and more like Him.  Nope, just make me happy.

Sometimes, I’m still God’s little girl.  But as many of you know, God isn’t into supplying all of your wants.  His job is to supply us with all of our needs.  Anything else, is icing on the cake.  And I like cake.  A lot of it.  Literally.  All jokes aside, we all have to constantly pray to God to cleanse our desires and our wants and make sure they line up with God’s will for us.  Often, what we think we want so badly, can make us so sick-spiritually, physically, emotionally and more.

About a year ago, I surrendered my heart at the altar. At least that’s what it felt like. I had relationships and was married for a short period, but had pretty much been in love with one man most of my adult life.  And while we tried over and over to seek God’s will, it became clear after time that he wasn’t my husband.  It was a painful experience for us both because we knew if we were going to be able to say goodbye, we needed to cut each other off completely.  In a strange sort of way, it felt like a sacrificial wedding.  I walked up to the altar and said, “Here God.  Here’s my heart.  I’m placing my heart at this altar.  I’m giving you my heart and I am trusting you to send your will for my life.  It hurts God because I have loved this man for 20 years, but I know my emotions cannot be trusted.  And I love you more.  So, here.  Your will be done.  Take it.  Here’s my heart.”

That was a year ago.  It took some time.  Many sleepless nights with Kleenex tissue.  But I trusted God.  And I sought him on continuing to remove all bondage; I sought him on becoming beautiful; I sought him desperately as a celibate woman who is naturally a lover and I just knew that soon, God would send me the man he wanted for me.  I praise God that I am 100% free from my past.  I am ready to receive a man and able to give my whole heart.  But I am still waiting for that special man to make it plain.  I might know him and I might not, but he hasn't made it plain.   And it’s not easy in this wait because I found that being WANTED isn’t the issue, but being LOVED is. 

Yet through it all, I know I don’t have to wait.  I could be like some of my other brothers and sisters in Christ who have sex all of the time; repent; and try again to get better; be better.  In fact, I even started to research if SEX IS A NEED.  Sure feels like it.  (smile).  But in the meantime, the part here that is hurtful, is not only that I’m celibate and long for a partner, but that my faith is deteriorating in the wait.  And in my unbelief, I struggle with inspiring.

With this said, I want you to know loving God isn’t ALL OR NOTHING.  I love God some days more than others.  Two weeks ago I waited to hear if I had breast cancer and he answered right away with what I WANTED to hear “No, Ms. Kirkland.  No Cancer.”  But when it comes to being found by my “Boaz,” the Lord is oh so quiet.  Being a Christian will sometimes mean praising him and sometimes it will mean, doubt, unbelief, a lack of trust, and sometimes pain.  Many of us who are anointed are geniuses when it comes to ministering to others.  We know the Word.  We know what you need to hear.  But behind closed doors, we suffer from unbelief too.  Sometimes God seems so right and on point with others, but with you, not so on point at all.

Religion is pretty easy.  You can make God what you want him to be.  But when you decide to love God and be in relationship, I want you to know while you might be daddy’s little girl or an awesome son, he will not give you everything you want when you want it or how you want it.  There’s no magic.  I am still celibate today.  On one last leg I might add. I have prayed.  I have cried.  I have fasted. I have been prayed over.  I have slipped.  I have surrendered.  I have praised.  I have been baptized in the Holy Spirit.  I have been blessed.  And many nights I have pulled my hair out and did some other things I had no business doing.  That is relationship.  Not always beautiful.  Not always pure.  Relationship is a process.  And God knows, loving me, just like loving you, is not always pretty.

So, for all of you that hope God will answer you with the desires of your heart on YOUR timing, let me know your secret.  In the meantime, I’ll be waiting….  

Mark 9:24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" 

It’s hard for a lot of us women today.  Particularly the good women.  The ones that didn’t learn “game,” the ones that were just raised to be honest; get your education; take care of yourself; be good and do good.  I was raised that way by my mother.  Nothing appeared to be more important in my household than education and the arts.  I woke up to music and went to bed with it, particularly being raised by a DJ father and jazz musician stepfather.  The focus was always my musical talents and education and I very rarely recall talking about men and boys.  So, I had no game and didn’t realize something could be wrong with me until I moved to Atlanta.  My mother was a professional.  Both of my parents financially stable.  So, this mentality of gold digger, was a very foreign concept to me.  Interesting how when I danced for a group EPMD who had a huge hit at the time “Gold Digger,” I assumed the record simply pertained to groupies.  I had no idea there were women, regular everyday women, who had a HELP ME mentality instead of the Godly HELP MEET mentality.  While I spent my entire life around celebrities, it never dawned on me that I was supposed to be picking up a trade in gold digging.  And I’ve watched women from afar.  ‘Is she going to ask him to pay her car note?’   And low and behold.  He did!  But because I am a born again Christian and celibate, I have very little power.  Love isn't enough.  Men it appears pay the bills when you are having sex with them.  But me, well, my praying for the man I love, just doesn’t seem to be enough.  I’m not an investment. Men invest in bitches, I read once.  And so therefore, I've got problems.

I’ve wondered throughout the years, if I had been a gold digger, would I have been more respected, more appreciated, more loved by my brothers.  My best friend actually purchased a book for me entitled "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov.  I started to read it.  But I also started to cry while reading because I wondered, if I had been some kind of idiot.  “Where did I go wrong!”  “What did I miss!” And when I asked my mother, she laughed and brushed me off with, “Silly! Why would you want to be a gold digger.”  I snapped back, “Because Mom!  These women get the respect! Men are turned on by being asked for money!  They like it!”  And of course my mother asserted, “Oh Portia.  That’s silly.”

At 41, it appears I missed the boat.  I’ll never learn the science of gold digging.  God didn’t create me that way.  While I am very street savvy (most of us from Paterson, NJ are), I am incredibly naïve to gold digging.  God had something different in mind for me.  I am a b-girl born again Christian who loves hip hop, break beats, salsa, music, dancing, God, and my kid.  I know I’m different.  And it hasn’t been easy, but I believe I am a lot closer to what God intended for his daughters to be than the Basketball Wives are.  It is very disheartening when our brothers choose the gold digger.  It’s hurtful when the everyday, hard working, God fearing woman, gets pushed to the side, for a stripper and a gold digger.  Money and sex, it appears, always win and I look forward to the day when it won’t.

For those of us women who aren’t the gold diggers, who simply love because we love you, are in desperate need for respect. Some of us don’t care about a Benz or a Rolex. Honestly, I really don’t know the difference (I CAN HEAR MY BEST FRIEND TELLING ME TO SHUT UP; I'M SHARING TOO MUCH).  But I guess, my mother showed me how to have class without the Gucci bag.  Classy was character.  Classy was being a lady.  Classy was education.  Classy was not attached to material things.  Our grandmothers were the granddaughters of SLAVES.  When they went to church, they always wore a hat and gloves. They were the epitome of class. And the women today have lost that.  Gold digging and walking outside with a bra on, shows insecurity.  Surely sex wins in the natural. I know I can’t compete with every woman with a g-string in the world.   But that’s not where God resides. God is what makes me radiate.  God is what makes me beautiful.   Beauty stems from God, not things.

When I surrendered my life to Christ, I asked for a makeover.  And he has.  There are lots of beautiful women in the world, but the women who are beautiful according to God’s standards, their light will never dim.  That is the beautiful my brother’s should seek.  Not a woman who wears a ruby, but a woman who is one.


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10

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